Who Will I Be At the End?

Before I start this, full disclosure! I am not a writer, I have bad grammar, punctuation, and I am known to ramble or see a squirrel, but I have personality to make up for these flaws lol.

This may seem very melodramatic to some of you, and in no way am I writing this to garner sympathy or attention in a poor me I'm so hard done by…

My aim in sharing this roller coaster ride is to reach out to those who are having or have had similar experiences, and are facing either a complete life change or a long, slow struggle back to recovery.

So often on social media we show our happy moments of family, friends, dogs, running, racing, and enjoying life (i love it). Many of us keep our personal side to ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, I like to keep my private life private. If by sharing this ride as I attempt crawling out of the mire of physical pain and despair can reach even one beautiful soul to move even one little toe forwards. Well then putting this out there will be worth it.

My Soul Cries Not even 6 months ago I was running back to back 100km ultra marathons! Now as I wait to see a specialist and receive a diagnosis, my emotions swing from what the heck is happening to me. Ok, let's deal with this and figure out what I need to do to work through it, to

FML is over, what does my future look like? I am not only a Trail Race Director, Ultra runner but a Trail Running Coach. My soul is fed by running, teaching, introducing trail running to others, and taking my athletes out to run in the woods. Each time I send my groups out with my amazing and very capable trail leaders, my soul cries and I feel lost. "don't leave me here, and I am so proud of you all".

7 weeks ago I had a minor injury to the back of my knee. It was annoying but not much swelling and not a bad injury. 10 days later my entire knee blew up massively and the pain was so intense down my leg I was sure it was broken or I had really torn something badly in my knee. Fast forward 6 weeks, MRI, Xray and many Physiotherapy, Chiropractic and massage sessions later, my leg still felt as if it was freshly broken and the swelling was getting out of control. I could longer bend the knee, weight bare, the pain and swelling was so bad I can’t sleep, and my thigh and calf have shrunken to half the size of the other one. A very kind doctor got me in right away for testing as he thought maybe it was infected so he drew some fluid out of the knee. When we saw what the fluid looked like I thought for sure it was infected but when tested sadly that was not the case. For some unknown reason my body's inflammatory response to various joints of my body is off the charts! Many doctors appointments, anti-inflammatory, pain meds, and sleepless nights later, the pain at night is so intense that 2-3 hours of broken sleep is a good night.

Who Am I? I have been swinging repeatedly from self pity, anger, despair to get your shit together. What will my future be like, will I be able to walk again let alone run? Who am I without running? I bought ski gear and a downhill pass for the first time in 25 years. I have a big race season next year. I was finally accepted into Hurt 100. As the days and weeks stretch on I fear one by one each will be stripped away from me. Physically assisting people in reaching their trail running goals, being by their side for their success and struggles is who I am. Who Am I to be now?

Each New Day Each new day brings a new set of circulating emotions that I am trying to fight. It's crazy when you have been so independent. The thought of your family having to help you with everything and the feeling of not wanting to be a burden is so incredibly acute!!! I still don’t have a diagnosis but hope to within the next few weeks. Today is a new day, I still only had a few broken hours of sleep last night, but I have decided to spend my physical pennies on taking my dogs for a walk. It was not pain free, I had to stop many times, it was flat, it took over 30 minutes BUT I walked 1km with my beloved Georgie and Gracie and I am so grateful for that 1km. Each time I stopped my little Gracie girl would bump me with her nose to get me moving again, so sweet. George is an oblivious heffalump lol.

In Conclusion ● Selfish

● Whiney

● Sad

● Mad

● Pathetic

● A burden

● In constant pain

● So dang exhausted These are the feeling that roll around inside me that I fight these days

● Husband, children, parents, siblings,

● Laughter

● Love

● Kindness

● Gratefulness

● Acceptance

● Strength

● Rising above

● The life I am afforded These are the things that I am surrounded by that I don’t fight these days.

Last but not least, I generally hide myself away when things are hard. My stupid, wonderful amazing, annoying friends are having none of it and I am so incredibly grateful for them. You know who you are xoxo.